It is always hard to reconcile characters when you’re doing something in a group of people. There are simply so many of us, all different, that sometimes it seems impossible to coordinate an activity so that everyone is happy. I will not write about the problems in group trips because we gave up on such hiking a long time ago, I would say before we even started. Two trips with the local hiking society/club were enough for us to confirm our affinities of going to the mountains on our own, at our own pace, following our ideas and trails and enjoying peace, quiet and our own thoughts – well, and the occasional conversation. But hiking in two or in a couple also requires a lot of adjustment and compromise – so how do you do that?
I don’t know if there is a magic recipe, but as with everything else in life, there is certainly a way to keep the wolf full and the sheep whole😁. I guess it’s easier if two friends of the same sex hike together because, if you’re in the mountaineering community long enough, over time you will find someone with similar physical abilities, affinities, and ambitions. Maybe you’re a lone wolf and you don’t have a problem with that so you do what you do and when you want it. But what do you do when you are a couple? It is unrealistic to expect the physical aspect to be the same, and it seems equally demanding to me fulfilling personal ambitions when in a couple (the outdoor life you want to lead in general and the activities you want to do).
We men are always up for some crazy adventures and often dangerously stupid ideas, while women are more often the ones with a rational approach to everything – including hiking. How, then, to reconcile this and find some consensus, without too much renunciation and loss on both sides? First of all, everything I write will surely be subjective. I can only say something about our point of view and say how we started doing it and how it works (nicely) for us, but I believe that everyone will be able to find some similarities…
So how did it all start? It was quite important for us, if not crucial, that we started together and at the same time, as total amateurs more than 12 years ago. We had no idea about anything and our fitness level was almost the same – not really good. She still had to invest a little more time in getting in shape at the beginning, but we were both able to do some light trekking with about the same dose of effort and fatigue at the end. So, I would definitely say that it is a plus to start at the same time if it is possible, which does not mean that it is impossible if it is not done that way.
Also, we recognized that we have affinities for long walking distances and that we can withstand that walking effort well – this fact had a great impact as well. When I just remember our walks by the sea – not as you might imagine, but 20-30 km of walking without stopping and with almost disappointing arrivals home, because we could have done a little more😄. It immediately reminds me that sometimes things in life find you on their own, without you searching for them.
Of course, as we went to the mountains more and more often and were in better and better shape, each of us developed some individual goals. Or, not to be so structured, the path we wanted to take in this new hobby or lifestyle of ours – because it has long since ceased to be just a weekend hobby. That, in fact, meant that I wanted to mountaineer as much as possible with stronger and heavier routes and she pushed for more and more mileage, wilderness and adventure with a little less danger in the process.
At first, there aren’t too many similarities and there’s no way it works? There are a lot of similarities and a lot of chance!
For starters, it seems to me that everyone needs to clear up one thing with themselves – me, myself and I approach is out of the question! We are a couple because we want to spend our free time with each other and it is a most beautiful thing when we are together, somewhere in the wild. If you only think about what you are doing and where you want to go, it is a certainty that you will not go together – so why do that!?
But the opposite approach, thinking about what the other one would like, is a very good approach. So, instead of thinking about what I would like, I was thinking about what she would like but that I could compose something for myself within it. She would do the same, and with a few persuasions and discussions about potentially dangerous parts, you quickly come up with plans that satisfy both, and that consensus doesn’t seem like a compromise at all in the end — you’re both happy. If you really want to be negative, it can also be said that this is a system where everyone gives up some little thing in order to eventually get what they want.
What does it look like in practice? I suggest where we could go next weekend and the first answer is “you will kill us one day!”😁. Then I slowly move down with the idea as she goes up with hers. In the end, we find ourselves on a plan that is acceptable and cool for both of us.
The second important thing, apart from respecting the needs of your life partner, is to recognize what you are capable of in general – both for yourself and for your partner. Don’t think it’s an easy thing to do – primarily for yourself, let alone for someone else, no matter how well you know each other. We are all enthusiasts of something we love very much, and emotions and reason are not in the same sentence when it comes to things like this. What every guy thought while watching an action movie surely is “I could totally do this, after all, I’m as bald as he is, why shouldn’t I be doing that” and similar nonsense that goes through our heads from the comfort of our own couch with a remote in hand 😁. The story gets even crazier when you start watching real adventures filmed on the highest mountains and rocks in the world – then, there is no end to daydreaming and you are not even aware of what movie production you have in your head as you imagine doing these things.
So, knowing yourself and your partner, as well as acknowledging your own flaws and weaknesses, is a brutal task! That’s why experience and gradual growth in what you do is important – of course, together. In our case, this means that when she is on a business trip, I can climb only those mountains where she has already been😁. It’s actually super cool because it means to me that she’s still very interested in new things, climbs and shared adventures – and I’ll have a chance to repeat some great tours on harder approaches, measuring my time and convincing myself how super strong and fast I am and all sorts of macho crap until fatigue explains to me where the place for the ego is and I start to enjoy the mountains and nature around me normally😊.
Also, we as a childless couple, can still find enough time for me to go ride a bike alone as she stays home to read a book, if we are not at the same energy level that day. That way I can satisfy that male side that suffers from some die-hard activities.
The third very important thing is to take care of your level of fitness and always pay attention to be on a similar part of the sinusoid – so when you do things together, you don’t actually feel like someone is lagging behind. Our example is such that she can easily hike for more than ten hours with about 30 kilometers of ascent/descent in distance and altitude differences up/down 4000 meters. She rides a bike about 80 kilometers on the road, paddles SUP board 20-25 km and does similar adventures and achievements that I am very proud of (it is, of course, normal for me and I can double all of the above 😊). In fact, I want to say that this is not the usual situation where the worse always spoils the better, but the opportunity to gain a certain level of ability, fitness and strength (both physical and mental) so that you can always and without too much thought go into anything your heart wants. Of course, you can’t live in the past so if you could have done something once it doesn’t mean it’s given now and you will always be able to do it. That is why it is important to really love what you do, because then you will not have to make a special effort and force yourself to always be fit and ready for action.
I don’t know if there is a fourth, fifth and sixth, but I find these three things the most important to even think about joint planning and hiking with mutual satisfaction. If you have to get along well somewhere and have confidence in each other, it’s definitely in remote and wild mountain locations. Some of the things listed will certainly be overridden or replaced with the enthusiasm and infatuation with what you are doing so this is perhaps the most important thing. If you manage to balance emotions around what you do, you will not have problems with everything else, because you know what you get from it…
